Because the gods of Irony, Karma, and Gluttony are all pretty tight, I tend to be a frequent subject of conversation.
Particularly my somewhat unholy, debaucherous,relationship history.
And so, ever dedicated to their work, what do they do?
Oh yes. They send me fat girls.
But, having been shallow for most of my nineteen years on this bomb-ass planet, I have built up a small army of attractive friends.
Raid is to roaches as Hot Friends are to Human Tank.
Dear sexy company,
I hope you realize how near and dear you and your Grade- A physical appearances all are to me.
If there was ever, ever a time I was in need of your beauty and handsomenesses (yes, Microsoft Word registers that as a legit part of the English language), it is now.
It seems I am being pursued by an unsightly blemish of the human race (cut Mother Nature some slack, we all make mistakes). She’s fat. Not cute-chubby. I can deal with cute-chubby. Nor is she fat-with-cute-face. I could be nicer about it if she was fat-with-cute-face. But no, I cannot even deal with this gluttony (gluttony that she takes pride in showing off).
Granted, we were, at some point decent friends. I let her down gently (as gently as you can let down a 7-ton Land Beast) when she asked for a relationship. But now it has escalated. She has made an attempt to breach MY fort of Meaningless Sex With No Strings Attached. It started with normal conversation:
Me: How many girls have you slept with?
Wildebeast: 9 or 10 (UH-HUH.)
Wildebeast: and I want to add you to that group
Me: psychohamster27 is now offline
She has not only made me her Number One on the Myspace, oh no. She has ignored all my subtle rejections…blatant rejections….and rejections in general. This cannot go on. It is impairing my ability to think clearly, as there is a blue whale-sized blubber-slab clouding my vision. And you all, being my niggas, know I use my brain for only one, meaningful, striving purpose: Poontang.
Yes, she is affecting my Game.
What I need from all of you—or as many of you willing to sit still long enough to read this entire thing—is to leave comments on my Myspace that would, persay, ‘discourage’ her from coming within a 5-block radius of me.
Leave sexual comments on my Myspace. Please. I beg of you.
-Thank you, nukkas.
Your Shallow Nigga.
And yes, this worked an Atkins Diet miracle.
